Thursday, November 8, 2012

Finally, some non-satirical thoughts

As you can probably imagine, I’m really pleased by how the presidential election turned out. I called it for Obama early last year, and the entire election season unfolded pretty much as I expected.

I never thought the race was anything but assured for Obama, though I often kept that feeling to myself. Most people I talked with about the election were deep into the media narrative that it was close, and there’s no dissuading that past a certain point. I suppose even among those who thought it was no contest, no one wanted to be the cocky one who jinxed the whole thing.

I’m just glad there weren’t any surprises. Because, to me, this race was between who I consider the best president of my lifetime and the least-qualified, least-deserving candidate of my lifetime not named George W. Bush.

What would the U.S. have gotten with a President Mitt Romney? I’m honestly not sure. I can’t decide if he’d be a Tea Party tool or merely be the moderate, opportunistic, ruthless corporate raider he was before. Either was too sad to contemplate, and we’re all lucky we never have to find out.

One thing’s for sure: I don’t think I could have made it through an Obama concession speech. It would have been poignant, fair and no doubt an assurance that everything was going to be OK. I would have just broken down — for the country, but also for him. Because there’d definitely be a feeling of, “He deserved better from us. We don’t deserve him.”

On the flip side, I thought Romney gave pretty much a perfect concession speech. I don’t fault him for taking a while to concede, like some people did, because I understand the urge to keep on fighting. Mitt seemed relieved at the podium, and gave a short and graceful address. Just like John McCain did in 2008, I think Romney regained some of the principles and sense of reconciliation he’d lost along the way.

His supporters, on the other hand, well, I don’t know. 


See, I remember vividly how I felt the night Bush won re-election in 2004. Like half of America, I cried for hours. It all seemed so surreal — I, for one, thought for sure John Kerry was going to win in a landslide. In those pre-Nate Silver days, I relied largely on punditry and conversations with fellow graduate students and professors. The night before on The Daily Show, pollster John Zogby (not exactly a raving lefty) predicted a cakewalk for Kerry. I similarly figured with the Iraq War failing, the economy crumbling and the Christian right overplaying its hand — not to mention how close it had been in 2000 — that Bush didn’t stand a chance. I got home that night with projections well under way, and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I wrote some emotional, statistically incorrect blogs that weren’t my best work and tried my best to dodge smug conservatives for weeks afterward — a daunting task, considering I was UL’s liberal columnist at the time and everyone from assistant football coaches on down gave me grief. It hurt and I didn’t make it better with my attitude and hyperbole. So I’m trying to contain my joy so I don’t come off the same way.

On the other hand...I admit I did at least smile a little bit over the Romney parties Tuesday night. Because let’s face it — even many conservatives knew Romney didn’t have a chance. The sadness I understood, but the shocked faces, well, I felt like there was no excuse for that. You really had to be in the bubble to think Romney was going to win decisively. And these days, you pretty much have to willfully force yourself into that bubble; you’re blind to reality because you prefer a different one. So in that respect, I don’t mind saying that I liked seeing that.

Also, because so many of those same people were calling Obama the antichrist and his supporters lazy welfare bums, and arguing with a straight face that any and all taxation was socialism. And that the sanest elements of the GOP were lying their asses off about the economy and foreign and domestic policy. To say nothing of the birthers and baggers who tried so hard to pretend they weren’t itching to call Obama the N-word. Or the people who clogged Facebook and Twitter with Bible verses that apparently specifically warned us of the apocalypse imminent if Obama took Ohio.

Yeah, I didn’t really mind seeing their hopes dashed.

Conversely, seeing Obama supporters cheer is always good for the soul. They're diverse and you know they care for others.

To paraphrase Adam Smith, there seems to be an invisible hand over presidential elections that keeps out the extreme and the unqualified. Sometimes that hand is preoccupied, but it worked like a charm in 2012 — first by eliminating the Rick Perrys and Rick Santorums, and then by cashing out the man who promised his vicious supporters that he’d roll back everything that’s helped this country recover from the last Romney-like guy we had in office. Given how vocal and forceful extreme elements tend to get, it’s reassuring that (most of the time at least) the American people and system temper their influence.

Most of all, I’m hopeful that this election will finally put the kibosh on a three-decade-long, failed experiment in trickle-down economics and hypocritical social intervention. The emerging generations are less racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-government than ever before; more nuanced toward drug and other social policies; more connected; and less hawkish than ever before. Any candidate or party that wants a voice is going to have to appeal to that. Change may be scary, but change for the better always deserves a warm embrace.

Forward!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Contributors weigh in on Election 2012

This mocking farce of an election has absolutely no impact on America

By Cort Rory
Reality-based non-sheep 
Not Right About Anything

So, Obama won. Whoop-de-doo.

The centrist corporate puppet beat the right-wing corporate puppet. Same puppet show, different day. And same puppet.

Obama is no different than Romney. I’m not at all glad he won. In fact, I’m angry. Democrats deserve to lose until they act like Democrats. How are they going to learn if the sheeple keep electing them?

That goes for all the races, by the way. Nothing but tainted faces all around. Meet the new boss; same as the old boss.

I didn’t think Mitt Romney had a chance, so I was going to vote for him just to make a statement. Except I didn’t get to vote yesterday. Because, eh, I was tired. It doesn’t matter anyway.

The upshot is that I have more right to complain than the rest of you who wasted your time voting. You took part in the system. You have no right to complain. But I can complain. And I will for the next four years.

You pathetic sheep.

Well, there’s always 2016. Though that election’s probably already bought too.

Sigh. This country’s screwed.

What in thunderin' tarnation?!!

By Earl “Clem” Bob
Tea Party Contributor 
Not Right About Anything

I can’t believe it!

Obama won? What the hell?!!

I didn’t see one single indicator all election season that suggested anything other than a Romney landslide! Even when Obama won Pennsylvania and Ohio, I figured Romney would win every electoral and citizen vote in the nation from there on out.

This ain’t right.

Voters are fed up with both parties, especially the Democrats. Everyone I know planted Romney-Ryan yard signs in front of their trailers, and every Fox show I watched and every Breitbart article I read said that Obama was in trouble. Two of my favorite celebrities, Donald Trump and Victoria Jackson, agreed. And they’re famous!

There can only be one reason that Obama captured so many votes in spite of everything — the Black Panthers! Also, people are watching the wrong shows and reading the wrong articles. They get the idea that Obama’s got a chance, and they go out there and vote to make sure he wins. This propaganda barrage has got to stop! It’s interfering with the truth, which is what I know.

A lot of tea party candidates also went down. I blame the liberal media. You could say they RAPED them! (That joke copyright Clem.) Clearly, the problem was that the tea party candidates weren’t true to their principles and were too far left to try to get elected. Also, they talked about rape a lot. They gotta remember to keep that to themselves next time around.

Consider that there lesson learned for 2014 and 2016. Look out, liberals! Our comeback has just begun!

Obama's victory speech (in tea party nightmares)

[Thunderous applause]

“Thank you! Thank you! Please! Listen—”

[Thunderous applause stops on cue]

“My fellow socialists! We did it! Tonight, we can finally declare America dead.”

[Whooping cheers]

“Thank you for being here so late to share this moment with me. Not that any of you have to go to work in the morning!”

[Laughter]

“Except for the illegal immigrants. I hope none of you had trouble voting fraudulently.”

[Cheers in Spanish]

“Where my brothers at?”

[Cheers in Ebonics]

“All y’all mafuckas gots yo welfare, ya heard?”

[Mass chorus of “Word Up”]

“And food stamps. Free crack rock too! And I'mma be paintin’ the White House black, yo. Thanks for the votes, you white liberal cracka fools!”

[Self-loathing cracker cheers]

“That’s right, real American suckas! You done got duped. As George W. Bush once said, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... can’t, can’t get fooled again.’ Miss him yet?”

[Boos]

“I know you’ve all been waiting for the moment when we drop the American façade and get to work on Sharia law. A lot of you thought we could do it in one term. But change takes time. And we have taken major strides over the past four years — working toward ending the wars with our terrorist friends in Iraq and Afghanistan; killing Osama bin Laden because I hate competition; and, of course, our successful efforts in getting those four Americans killed in Benghazi.”

[Rapturous cheers]

“And, of course, we’ve dedicated quite a chunk of my first term in addressing the most important domestic issue of our time: The War on Christmas.”

[Chants of “X-Out X-Mas! X-Out X-Mas!”]

“My first act in my second term will be to appoint the Rev. Jeremiah Wright as Jesus czar. He will oversee Van Jones and Bill Ayers throwing rocks at churches. I’ll even reach over the aisle and appoint Mitt Romney to the Office of Business Failure. I think you’ll agree my esteemed opponent is perfect for this post.”

[Applausey applause]

“We will ban all Christian prayer in schools, churches, homes and minds. We will strictly enforce five-times-daily prayer to Mecca. Muslim is now our state religion. Also, atheism. And evolution, because that’s a religion too.”

[Amen!!]

“I have signed legislation to outlaw morals, effective immediately. You may now use your complimentary shanks and birth control to either kill or fuck, depending on your mood.”

[Lots of murder and sex ensues]

“And yes, you can now say ‘fuck’ on live TV. Because, when you think of Barack Hussein Obama, I want you to think of how much I hate the children.”

[Child-hating cheers]

“To that effect, I also promise by the new year to expand legal abortion well into the 20th trimester. Your kid anxious about kindergarten? End that shit! No questions asked!”

[Satanic growls]

“And finally, I want all women and gays to know that I have your backs as human beings and as equals.”

[Fox News correspondent collapses into mound of sulfur]

“Thank you! Good night, and may God Damn America! Allahu Akbar! There is no God!”

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

A reason not to not vote

You're an American. 

You do not live in a nation where voting is required. 

Your elections are decided by who turns out, with no handicap for those who didn't. 

You live in a nation where the majority of registered voters stay home even for the most pivotal elections.

You are free to complain, regardless of whether or not you vote.

You might not feel especially riveted by your options, but someone with whom you vehemently disagree might be highly motivated.

You may not feel your vote has value, but plenty of nefarious interests see enough worth in your vote to keep you from casting it.

So if you think for a moment today that it's not worth it to vote or that doing so makes you a willing pawn for The System, man, think again. You may not feel your vote has the value you wish to attach to it, but not voting is wasting your voice. It's a voice you aren't under coercion to use, which is precisely why it matters so much.

Your vote may mean little in the grand scheme of things, but your silence means nothing.

Monday, November 5, 2012

You must choose; but choose wisely

As the 2012 presidential election dawns, it’s clear to me what choice we face. In 2008, I wrote that the impending election was “not about Obama vs. McCain; it's about smart vs. stupid.” I felt (for the first time since I began following presidential politics) that only one side was telling the truth about anything. That was the year when the Birthers first festered, their allegations having yet to be ridiculed and dismissed by all sane people. Then, following Obama’s inauguration in 2009, the Tea Party sprang up through the astroturf of nowhere with its sudden, long-running disdain of federal spending. Oh, and just happened to be composed almost entirely of extreme (and extremely low-information) Republicans and libertarians spouting racially tinged rhetoric. Gee.

Here in 2012, the Birthers and the Tea Party both remain alive and demented. The truth should have killed both a long time ago, but they press on like zombies. Slow, racist zombies.


While those groups continue to influence (infect) the GOP today, their impact has not resulted in a successful presidential contender. Instead, they’ve pushed forth Mitt Romney, who wouldn’t have been out of place in many past elections. He’s a poster boy for everything that made the Republicans awful before 2008. Those things being:

• Government of, by and for the rich;
• Demonization of the poor;
• Helping the middle class by not helping them;
• Demonization of the government;
• Lionization of business ethics without adhering to them;
• Hijacking patriotism, morals and the flag;
• A recklessly saber-rattling foreign policy;
• Applying alternate-universe solutions to real problems.

Romney is the candidate of the party whose best political bet was to run the ruthless corporate raider. And he’s running against one of the most riveting and effective presidents of the past 40 years.

That’s the choice. It’s not one.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

This is what insincerity looks like

As the Republicans get more desperate...

 

Keep this in mind:

• This ad's screen capture makes the actress look like Monica Lewinsky, giving the absolute wrongest first impression possible this side of being a group photo of the Obama family hugging Chris Christie.

• I say she's an actress, as opposed to a person, because her performance suggests she doesn't have many opportunities to earn her SAG card.

• The number of past Obama voters disappointed in the scope of his change who will vote for Romney as a result can probably be counted on one hand, even if said hand has been disfigured by a thresher. 

• It's probably a terrible idea to have Romney in the middle of the montage that leads the woman to kick over the television in the first place. Because when Romney says he knows how to run a business and create jobs, I want to do the same thing. (I get that this ad is supposed to suck me in by pretending to be one of those above-it-all ads (which suck too), but again, thresher.)

• I was a copy editor during the 2008 election, and I recognize several of those Wall Street gaping-mouth shots from that era. Oops!

• No one is truly "fed up" with "wasteful, out-of-control spending." That's an acquired anger. Acquired from a very specific, telling place.

• Much like Mitt Romney himself, the superPACs have given up on principle and seek finicky voters who want change because it's shiny. A textbook example of sensible long-term thinking that won't even work in the short term. Good call!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

A conversation with Mitt Romney

“Thank you for meeting with me today, Governor.”

“It’s nice to meet you, fellow citizen. Beautiful weather we’re having today.”

“Yes, although it’s a bit muggy for this time of year.”

“Yes, it’s quite muggy. I’m actually sweating quite a bit.”

“I’m hot too.”

“At least it’s a dry heat. Not humid.”

“Actually, it’s extremely humid.”

“Extremely humid!”

“It could be worse, though, like Hurricane Sandy.”

“FEMA has made it way worse, though I should say they’re doing a heck of a job.”

“Can’t argue with that. So how should I address you, sir?”

“You can call me Governor Romney. Or Mitt. My personal mechanic calls me Dr. Detroit because I prefer American cars. What does your personal mechanic call you?”

“I don’t have one. I take my car different places or do the work myself.”

“What kind of car do you drive?”

“I drive a Scion.”

“Drive him where?”

“What?”

“Your scion. Where do you take him? He’s gotta be pretty young. Horse-riding lessons?”

“No, Scion is a brand of car. Made by Toyota.”

“Ah, never heard of that one. I’ll have to remember to get one for my collection. What else do you keep in your garage?”

“That’s it. I have one car and no garage. Also, a bicycle.”

“Sounds like you’re struggling. That’s terrible.”

“I’m grateful for what I have.”

“That’s terrific! You encapsulate the spirit of this great nation. So where are you from?”

“Louisiana.”

“Ah! Some of my best friends own states. I live in Massachusetts. I was governor there for a term. I’m very, very proud of my accomplishments. Like health care reform.”

“Health care reform?”

“No, that was a mistake.”

“I see.”

“So, have you ever been a governor?”

“No, but I’ve been meaning to get around to it.”

“You ought to try it sometime. It was the most eye-opening experience I’ve had since those two years I spent in France. Ever been there?”


“No, but I’d love to visit.”

“What’s keeping you?”

“Lack of funds, mostly.”

“What’s that, some youth slang?”

“No, it means I can’t afford to go there.”

“You kids with your expressions! I have five sons and I’ve never heard any of them say that. I guess it’s a new thing. ‘Lack of funds.’ ‘Can’t afford it.’ So do they spell that out or is it like, ‘a4ord?’”

“No, it’s a common expression. It’s been around for centuries.”

“Well, I have no time for the past. I’m a candidate with new ideas.”

“And what are those new ideas?”

“Returning to the prosperous Reagan years.”

“With a 50 percent top tax rate?”

“No, that would be socialist. But yes.”

“I sense a certain vacillating in your answers.”

“I am one of the most principled men you’ll ever meet. And one of my chief principles is, I change when necessary. And I’ll do whatever it takes to win the presidency because, at the end of the day, that’s what this is all about.

[Someone in a higher income bracket enters the room. Mitt beelines to him.]

“It’s nice to meet you, fellow citizen! Beautiful weather we’re having today!”