3 a.m. thoughts

• When I was very little, I thought my dad's real name was Daddy. And I thought this knowing full well that everyone else's fathers had real names; my dad just happened to have Daddy as his real name. When I learned otherwise, I believed his name was the one he used on the radio, which didn't end in McGibboney. I guess I figured that they made up that name just in time to give my brother and I something tough to spell. Also, I objected to my brother sharing my last name because I thought everyone in the world had a unique name.

• I think auto dealerships should have store brands for discount cars, just like supermarkets carry store-brand products. You know, Driver's Choice, Valu-Vehicle, Sav-SUV, Costler, Af-Ford, Cheaprolet, Best Beast, General Foods International Cars (Compare to General Motors), etc.

• I want to work. Like, badly.

• But not badly enough to latch onto your pyramid scheme, so please stop asking. I'm broke, not gullible.

• I like washing other people's cars because they're always way dirtier than mine and I feel a greater sense of accomplishment as a result. I hate washing other people's cars because I always wind up doing it every time I say something like this.

• It's almost 4 a.m. as I get ready to post this, threatening to negate the title. But since it's newly Daylight Saving Time, it still feels like 3, so I'm sticking with it. Even if it's weirdly felt like we gained an hour. I've been off for two days now. I woke up from a nap at 6:30 p.m. and it was still daylight out. That really messed with my head.

• And yes, it's Daylight Saving Time, not "savings." At least according to official sources that no one knows about.

When the Santorum came marching in

So apparently Rick Santorum came to Lafayette this past weekend. I always joke that such illustrious visits aren't news — Dick Cheney used to come here all the time, because OF COURSE HE DID. But judging by the odd lack of local coverage, it really wasn't news. 

I have no idea what Santorum spoke about in the Cajundome, but I'm sure it involved plenty of nice words about Jesus, family values and why the world would be better if we lived according to the Christian principles that shaped this country when Republicans created it in 1980. And I'm sure he mentioned gays at some point, because THE CHILDREN!

All I know for sure was that he was here to help raise funds for some Catholic school I didn't know existed, and that he told a talk radio station that the education system was failing. Not because of fellow scorched-earth presidential wannabe Bobby Jindal, of course, but because of erosion of family values.

It must be awesome to be Rick Santorum, and be able to answer every single question with "family values." Just like how George W. Bush's answer to everything was "tax cuts" and every religion's answer to inconsistencies is that "God works in mysterious ways." Bulletproof. Keeps you from having to think too hard, which can put painful pressure on the old noggin.

But I'm glad Santorum paid a visit, because that means he isn't the president. And for that I'd like to belatedly add my cheer to the positive reception that no doubt transpired on Saturday.

Family values!

Minding someone else's business

(E-mail to: “Student X”)

Hi “Student X,”

I read with great interest your March 6 Vermilion column “Teach business to all.” Afterward, I felt like taking a vacation to Gotham City to lie at the beach and catch some sun.

Seriously, that column was bleak. I barely know how to take it as a veteran of the job market, let alone how I would as an up-until-now motivated college student.

There’s certainly some truth in what you say. I have a master’s degree and it hasn’t made me at all special. In the eight years since I graduated, I’ve had three full-time jobs (two in my field), two yearlong stretches of unemployment and numerous part-time jobs doing things that don’t even require a GED. It’s an understatement to say that I pictured a more stable future back in the day. If anyone should agree with you about the uncertain value of a college degree in a difficult job market, it’s me.

And yet, you lost me.

Part of it is that you don’t disclose who you are. Are you a student? A business owner? Both? Neither? Knowing that would help readers figure out whether to trust your insight.

Are you a student? If so, why? After all, you allege that college is a scam and that degrees are worthless. If you’re so reckless as to urge other students to drop out, why not heed your own advice?

Are you a business owner? If so, your experience adds weight to your words. But if you’re just parroting rigid business principles you heard in class one day, then we deserve to know that too.

In any case, you offer overly simplistic advice to address a complex problem. By insisting that anyone can (and everyone should) start their own business, you’re presenting a fantasy every bit as destructive as the one you aim to debunk. A business enterprise requires capital, key connections, a specific brand of determination, the ability to withstand years of potential poverty and, most importantly, something marketable. That’s fine for someone willing and able to handle it. But not everyone can, should or wants to assume that burden. Most businesses need employees, and many people are perfectly happy with something that brings a decent standard of living. Good jobs may be harder to find these days, but they’re still out there. You’d be better off informing fellow students how to be competitive job-seekers rather than indulging in free-market fantasies.

I wonder too what the point is in lamenting the alleged loss of what you call “critical thinking” in American workers, when you also say you’ll only hire in China because it’s cheaper. Does “critical thinking” mean something different to you than it does to me?

For me, critical thinking is perhaps the most valuable asset I received from my education. It gave me an intellectual foundation that made those seven years worthwhile, even if it hasn’t been a golden ticket to Wealthville. And I recommend that everyone stick with it, including yourself, regardless of the short-term forecast. Whatever setbacks people have in life — be it in business or elsewhere — they’ll be glad they gained the tools to be able to handle life’s challenges.

Your column has convinced me that it’s business students who need more humanities courses, not vice versa. Maybe then, we’ll eventually foster a business climate more understanding of the economic value of an educated, motivated and well-compensated work force. That would be an improvement over the short-term, non-trickling-down sugar highs currently wrecking our economy. Our future needs more education, not less. The longer I’m out of college, the more that lesson resonates.

Ian McGibboney

Former Vermilion columnist

The shame of white pride

I’m glad I don’t have “white pride.”

From what I can tell, 95 percent of white pride is bitching about the two or three privileges that whites don’t have, all of which exist to compensate for centuries of white oppression. And 99 percent of the other five percent is sneering defiance of those who are so mean as to make racism some kind of hate crime.

I’m not proud of being white, just like I’m not proud of any aspect of myself that I can’t help. Real pride arises from what you accomplish in life, because you do control that. I don’t know if there’s an inverse correlation between inherited pride (race, region, bloodline, etc.), and accomplishment pride (family, career, charity, education, etc.), but I suspect there is. The former is negative in the sense of, “I’m better and/or persecuted,” while the latter is positive: “I made this wonderful thing happen.” I’d bet that most people who complain about other racial groups haven’t done much of note in their own lives. There certainly aren’t many white supremacists who’ve ever done anything of non-racist note.

White pride is about as negative as it gets. It’s also as stupid as it gets.

Affirmative action is the perfect example. White-priders claim that this is government-mandated prejudice, completely missing the irony there. They ask where their affirmative action is. Well, it’s in America, the land where white people always have a built-in advantage in every situation. I may be a liberal in the Deep South, but I still have to open my mouth or bang out a blog for anyone to realize it. No one sees it on my face when I walk into a store. No one throws out my résumé at the sight of my name (it usually takes a paragraph or two). I can walk up to any white racist anywhere and be treated civilly, because I look like they do. I didn’t have to fight for years just so employers and admissions counselors would even consider my people for positions. That’s because “my” people were at the wheel from the beginning. And that’s why there’s no affirmative action for whites. (And why there’s no White History Month, White Congressional Caucus, white advancement organizations or anything else that a majority people never need.)

Sensible white people know that while there’s no shame in being white, there is shame in white pride.

Rand Paul's Broken Clock

Since yesterday's filibuster, I've noticed numerous conservatives and even liberals practically canonizing Rand Paul. They say he made some good points about drones and domestic policy and whatnot. And that he might be the future of a party in dire need of a savior.

Fair enough. But Rand Paul, like his father, is the proverbial broken clock — right for those two minutes a day when it's all but impossible to be wrong. It's during the other 23 hours and 58 minutes where he comes up short. 

Indeed, much of politics has been taken over by Broken Clock Syndrome, and it's clouding our already-cloudy collective judgment. Disappointed as we are by politicians who aren't on call with us 24-7, many have instead decided that the opposite extreme — two flashy minutes — is preferable. This is why President Obama disappoints so many supporters on the drone issue and why Rand Paul attracts those same people.

If Rand was just caulk for Obama's dent in the armor, he could be written off a sugar high, were it not for another symptom of BCS — the "real" factor. It's in vogue these days (for politicians and people alike) to be "real," as in, not a demagogue. Chris Rock called it "being a person" as opposed to being a partisan. The sentiment behind that is good; no one likes a person so beholden to the party line that they can't think rationally. But many people take it to the opposite extreme, so determined not to fall into Democrat or Republican camps that they adopt glaringly inconsistent and/or ignorant views just to hammer home that they're thinking for themselves.

It's this fervor to which Rand Paul caters. He knows that he must attract two types of people to his side — contrarian liberals disappointed with agreeing with Obama only 90 percent of the time, and conservative/libertarian Paul disciples in need of a publicly palatable issue. The best way to ensnare both is to say the right thing on a slam-dunk issue at the right moment — the Broken Clock moment.

Eventually, as it always does, the novelty of the Broken Clock will wear off. Most people will realize, as I often put it, that a Broken Clock politician is like having a boyfriend who beats the crap out of you, but recycles. In the end, the downside isn't worth the benefit.

Anyone who supports Rand Paul, and also supports civil rights, workplace regulation and a functioning government, needs to wake up for more than those two dazzling minutes per day.

Executive decision

I'm officially declaring a break.

I don't know how long it's going to last — maybe a few minutes for all I know. Probably a few days at least.

Comedy: The Other C-Word

Last Sunday, The Onion spit out a now-infamous tweet about 9-year-old actress Quvenzhané Wallis during its live Oscars snark-cast. The tweet called her the C-word, that word not being “cute.” The fallout from the remark was so severe that the editor of The Onion apologized for it, and promised to discipline the writer involved. This is unprecedented in the publication’s 25-year history.

I know how I’m supposed to feel about it. Supposed to.

I have a niece who turns 1 year old in a couple of weeks, a 10-year-old step-niece and a sister who was born just prior to my 10th birthday. Even though my sister is 23 now, I’d still hate to hear anything mean said about her, never mind about the little girls. In that sense, I understand why someone would object to a crack at a child, even a famous one.

But if someone did make that crack, it would tell me one of two things about them: 1) they are small, pathetic jerks, or 2) they have a misfiring sense of humor. In The Onion’s case, it’s the latter. It’s a much-beloved comedy publication that often veers into outrage (and yes, even jokes about children on occasion). The Wallis tweet’s real offense, in my view, was that it was a cheap shot. It wouldn’t be particularly funny directed at an adult celebrity, so aiming it at a child star made it even less likely to elicit laughs. The downside far outweighed the upshot, a fact perhaps overlooked during the flurry of live-tweeting.

My immediate reaction to the tweet was not laughter, but neither was it outrage. And this is where I'll defend The Onion. In the aftermath, people reacted exactly how they’d be absolutely justified to react had some misogynist pedophile said the same thing. Or a politician. Or anyone else whose stock in trade isn’t provocative comedy.

That’s not to say that provocative comedy doesn’t have limits or never misfires. But we already know (or should know) that successful practitioners of the craft are not who they pretend to be. I’m glad the top brass at The Onion recognizes the impact this had; it shows that they have heart. But is that really, honestly, a surprise to anybody? Would The Onion be a comedy empire if its staff was dark-hearted enough to think Quvenzhané Wallis really was worthy of such an epithet? No, because their only chance to be funny is if we know they’re kidding. Just ask Michael Richards how much that distinction matters.

Bad jokes should never spark the same contempt as genuine hate. Genuine hate deserves much more scorn. Not to mention, much more scrutiny.

When are we going to get an apology for that?