Offer their rocker

Well, my professional prospects seem to finally be turning around!

They say you should pursue every avenue and leave no stone unturned when looking for a job. Well, I certainly remained true to that advice by digging into my spam folder. I’m glad I did, because this gem of an opportunity nearly escaped my clutches:

From: Xcheck

To: AOL

(That’s not my name but, eh, everyone gets Ian wrong.)

Subject: Creative work

(I do like creative work! How did you guess?)

Hello

We have reviewed your resume on the website of employment.

(The website of employment is the finest page on the world wide of web.)

FMP Management LLC. has an open Customer Manager position.

(Creativity oozing from every pore already. Slow down!)

If you would like a brilliant career in a fast-paced setting with a variety of activities and responsibilities, we would like to hear from you.

(My résumé keywords of “career,” “activities” and “responsibilities” are clearly reaping dividends. That website of employment sure had some terrific tips!)

Ideally we are looking for someone who is a fast learner, easy to talk to, and attentive to details.

(Finally, an outlet for those skills!)

DUTIES:

- Providing our clients with the support

(Eww!)

- Responding to clients requests regarding construction work, financing, maintenance, repairs, and appraisals and needs in a timely manner

(But clearly their clients’ requests for grammar will go ignored.)

- Coordinate appointments to show homes to prospective buyers

- Inspect condition of premises, and arrange for necessary maintenance or notify owners of maintenance needs.

- Accompany buyers during visits to and inspections of property, advising them on the suitability and value of the homes they are visiting.

(Creatively, of course, in the same creative way they described a real estate agent without once calling it that.)

REQUIREMENTS:

- High School graduate or equivalent.

- Good communication skills, both written and oral

- Organizational and time management skills required.

- Skills or experience with PC, including E-mail, Word and Excel processing;

(Also, absolutely no sense of skepticism.)

We offer company, competitive salary - usd 2,800 per month (taxes included), excellent benefits, and an opportunity for growth.

(How refreshing to know that I will be paid in U.S. dollars, or “usd” as all on-the-level job offers specify.)

If you are interested please e-mail your resume to [A FREAKING HOTMAIL ADDRESS!!]

(Please reply by Oct. 15, 1998 ... no, wait, not even in 1998 did any major firm use Hotmail addresses in an official capacity...)

Regards,

Hire Manager George L. Bowers

Hire Department of FMP Management LLC.

(Guess after reading this, the Fire Department of FMP Management LLC. will jump on me...)

My trains sure run on time

Looking back on my life so far, I'm surprised how neatly it divides into different eras. Even more striking is how virtually all of it is in two- and four-year chunks:

I certainly didn't it plan it this way, nor does it feel as static — sometimes four years flies by; other times, two years feels like an eternity. (And it should go without saying that some overlap exists, most notably with freelance jobs and the seven years I worked with the UL track team.)

The common thread in all of these chapters is that they each had a natural end point. Obviously, this is true of school, but it's also unfortunately been the case with my post-college, full-time jobs. To paraphrase Doc Brown, four years could very well be the temporal junction point for the entire space-time continuum! Or, it could just be an amazing coincidence. 

Growing up, I never imagined I'd spend every two or four years bouncing around. Of course, I never really thought that far ahead. When I thought of adulthood, the job part was just sort of a given. Even after I learned what layoffs and cutbacks were, I never imagined they'd ever be a threat to me. And even when I graduated high school and was certain I wanted to get into journalism, I joked that no one ever cuts back the newsroom. In 1998, they didn't. No one ever talked about that then. Or that gaps in professional employment would become the new normal, a term which itself had yet to become a thing.

So I was wrong. But as far as being wrong goes, I'm not too upset that I didn't buy a house a month after graduation and stayed there. Seems I was more cut out for the schedule too many years of schooling burns into you. Never stop learning, kids!

Nevertheless, while I'm not someone to settle down for 50 years like my grandparents, or spend 40 years climbing the ladder like my mom (can anyone do either anymore?), I would like to break this overly predictable 4-2 trend with something really special.

Starting with the next, unwritten chapter, of course.

Depends on what you deem redeeming

I’m all about delving into stories and conversations that challenge my beliefs. So naturally, I found it very interesting to read about a woman who claims the Bible converted her from a “leftist lesbian professor” to a heterosexually married Christian.

This story is so perfect for its audience. It’s what they want so desperately to be possible. Even better, it stars who in their mind is the ultimate personification of villainy — a lesbian professor. We all know how radically liberal, feminist and godless they all are! Hell, she even calls herself “a leftist,” which is something all leftists do, am I right? And of course they all hate all Christians. Wow! How on Earth does someone with such deep-seated beliefs overcome them and see the light?

Well, a Christian was nice to her and she read the Bible. That was easy.

Frankly, I’m suspicious. In my experience, people don’t genuinely undergo such profound, polar transformations — when they do, they’re either overcoming denial (fantastic) or newly embracing it (tragic).

By her own account (noted elsewhere, notably not here), Rosaria declared herself a lesbian at 28. That strikes me as an awfully late age to ascertain one’s sexuality, or to finally own up to long-denied thoughts. And even rebellious people who go through a “phase” tend to experiment during their undergrad years. So either she always had lesbian tendencies and denied them for years (and is denying them again), or they were always disingenuous. One way or the other, she is lying about her true identity.

But OK, let’s say she isn’t.

Let’s imagine that everything in this testimony is absolutely true.

It still doesn’t speak well of the presented lesson. If someone’s inner morals, sexuality and politics are so flimsy that reading one book and talking to one person changes all of them, where’s the true transformation? There isn’t one; it’s simply a case of someone prone to change, changing yet again. In other words, remaining every bit as flawed and flimsy as they were before. Precisely the kind of loyalty you want on your wagon.

But OK, let’s say she did change.

Let’s imagine that this is indeed a case of someone truly redefining their morals and lifestyle.

Why on Earth is that a good thing? Is it true that only a heterosexual, conservative Republican is a good Christian? Why is the self-proclaimed religion of, “judge not lest ye be judged,” so obsessed with molding people into a single, narrow group? To remake them in God’s image? I’ve read much of the Bible, but I have yet to see where anyone looked, acted or thought like what American religious conservatives claim is the only way to be.

Far from uplifting, this story encapsulates exactly why I don’t align myself with these people. They falsely insist that innate behaviors can and should be changed, then trot out outlying examples that may or may not be honest — and do so while preaching peace, tolerance and unconditional love.

That’s not religion — that’s politics. Repellent politics.

And it's definitely not love.

Deep DO do

Buried in this article is a great point that I’ve tried to articulate for years: That the value of work should be far more than the sum of its parts and wages.

I’m not arguing that payment isn’t an important metric, or even the most important, when judging what is worthwhile work; after all, everyone likes to get paid. But if taken too far, it can lead to absurd perceptions:

“So what are you doing these days?”

“Playing music, making art, you know, chasing the dream.”

“I see. But what do you DO do?”

“DO do?”

“You know, what you really do. For money.”

“Oh, right. I sweep floors.”

“So you did finally land a job.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m so happy that you’re working!”

“I was working before.”

“Yeah, but now you’re WORKING working.”

“It’s tiring. Gives me little time for my music.”

“Well, the important thing is, you have a steady job.”

Yeah, that’s the important thing.

I have nothing against sweeping floors — someone has to do it, and sometimes, that someone’s been me. But we as a society do ourselves no favors by seeing someone who quits their creative pursuits for a dead-end, temp-type job as mature, or as a success.

Work is a complex beast. When I worked as a copy editor and as a reporter, I spent eight hours a day sitting in front of a computer, stroking keys, writing and editing. I’m not currently WORKING working, but I’m still sitting in front of a computer, stroking keys, writing and editing. The only difference is, I’m not making money at the moment. I’d argue that what I’m writing these days is more my style, but others might insist that I’m wasting my time.

If you asked me what I’m most proud of making, this blog would be right at the top of the list. Over nine years, it’s become a vessel for almost everything I create — writing, cartoons, graphics and videos. Having access to an instant and unlimited audience has given me the impetus to produce — in turn, writing daily for nine years has a way of flexing the brain. It’s practice that strengthens me for handling work that will count professionally.

And yet, indirect effects aside, I’ve never earned a dime from this blog. Sometimes I don’t even list it on my résumé, because one of two reactions typically happens: 1) it becomes a liability or 2) it’s considered inconsequential. Either way, I lose the chance to show off some of the work of which I’m most proud, because it’s never been “officially” published — never mind that it’s some of my sharpest stuff. I’ve actually been told at times that I don’t have enough writing experience. Well, if I have to dismiss 90 percent of my material right out the gate, yeah. To paraphrase what my friend said recently, that’s a hell of a body of work to discount just because I didn’t get a check for it.

Still, “blogger” is rarely a job title. It comes off even more desperate than “writer” in terms of what you “DO do.” Most of the time, it’s just easier to say, “I sweep floors,” because that satisfies people. Sweeping floors has a place in the rat race. Creating for the hell of it does not.

The Jacobin article states that we might consider a minimum living wage so that people can pursue their true talents without worrying about starving. I immediately see many holes in that proposal, but still I wonder how different America would be if so many people didn’t have to give it all up.

Think of the art. The music. The stories.

I feel like mailing this blog

So the U.S. Postal Service is planning to drop Saturday delivery of first-class mail.

I guess I get that in the age of e-mail, but it’s still depressing.

Incidentally, a major reason for this is that the USPS has defaulted on its pension plan — the one that forces it, with no government help, to have funds on hand for the next 75 years. That seems less to do with the advent of e-mail than it does with absolutely ridiculous financial policy.

(Slightly related digression: Recently, I went to FedEx Office, the artifice formerly known as Kinko’s (and winner of most cringe-inducing corporate name, active category). I printed out some documents with the express purpose of snail-mailing them. After purchasing the printouts, I stuck them in a stamped envelope I brought in, only to discover that the mail slot was gone. I asked the guy behind the counter where it went. He told me they no longer had a mail pickup, and hadn’t for years. “We thought we’d helped the competition long enough,” he said, adding that it was an honor to be nominated for douchiest thing I’ve heard so far in 2013. He said I could go to the post office across the street several blocks away, which was closed at the time. I guess my point is that I’ll have to be more diligent in mailing things now that yet another integral part of life has gotten harder.)

Rest in peace, Saturday delivery. You will be missed. More than I think most people realize at the moment.

The thin skin of resilient people

During the Super Bowl blackout, I posted this on Twitter:

I admit it was kind of over the line. But I'm hardly the only one who said it tonight. 

But understand where I'm coming from on this. After being born in Louisiana and living here for 26 years, I moved to Missouri. The year before, I spent a month in Utah. One of the first things I noticed in both places was how every road was so well maintained. Schools were in great shape in Missouri and free of the busybody tomfoolery that defines Louisiana education these days. Elected officials weren't automatically corrupt. My power wasn't constantly out for no reason. And, most of all, I always received my paychecks, rebates and tax refunds without having to chase all of them down with considerable effort. Also, I wasn't treated with hostility anytime I expressed an unpopular opinion. 

Which is what this tweet turned out to be. Someone said I was certainly free to leave, and another agreed. Yet another said that such outages are part of what make life interesting and fun.

Hold on.

The thing about Louisiana is that it truly is one of the greatest places in the world in terms of culture and friendliness. It's unique and organic. Unfortunately, that often leads people to believe rather fervently that everything about it makes it great.

Rough edges are fine. New Orleans especially is one of my favorite places because of them. But I don't get the pride in the hassles of everyday life, in things that can be fixed. Crappy infrastructure isn't culture. Small-minded thinking isn't a trait worthy of pride. These are things that we live with because we have to, perhaps, but forgive me if sometimes it's a lot to bear.

I understand the passion — I used to be the same way. I never wanted to hear anything negative about Louisiana. But there's something to be said about constructive criticism. And I worry all the time that the crumbling infrastructure of the state — and the increasingly pig-headed attitude of politicians and taxpayers alike — is only going to get worse. It doesn't have to, but there it is. It saddens me.

I wish more people would realize the difference between the quirks that make us unique and the failings that make us struggle. The chasm between the two is enormous.

I've often been told if I don't like it, leave. The more I hear that, the more I want to. 

As it is, the economy is likely to answer that one for me.

Super Bowl XLVII notes

• I pulled for the Baltimore Ravens. My dislike for the San Francisco 49ers is strong, but not as strong as it is for some other teams. If the Saints couldn’t represent the NFC, at least the 49ers would promise an interesting matchup. Neither team had been in the game for years, so it was a nice change from the usual Patriots-Giants-Steelers dominance. Even though the 49ers can kiss my ass for their playoff win over the Saints last year (and the karma-free swagger while they did so), I wouldn’t be too upset if they won this game. With the apparent exception of Chris Culliver, the 49ers seem to be on the right side of gay acceptance, and Colin Kaepernick is hard to not like. Also, they knocked off the Falcons, so there’s that. So either way, I’d be OK with the outcome.

• That said, the power outage nearly drove me to despair. It amused me at first, inspiring me to crank out numerous jokes on Twitter. Many locals considered it an act of revenge or, at the very least, culture. But as it carried on way too long, it reminded me of how Entergy also often knocked off power to my half of my apartment complex in Baton Rouge. It began to seem like a poorly timed fluke at a time when many Americans still think New Orleans is an unstable city. And, worst of all, it simultaneously sparked the 49ers and tucked in the Ravens.

I was going to be very upset if the power outage so cleanly and directly turned the tide of the game. If the 49ers had rallied for any other reason, fine. And I doubt anyone was really that sad to see the game get interesting. But if the game had remained 100 percent Ravens before and 100 percent 49ers after, it would have seemed fraudulent to me. Games aren’t supposed to swivel over things like that. It would have been one final middle finger to a state beset enough with crumbling infrastructure and corruption. So I was glad to see both teams get competitive near the end. It was exciting, and would have been no matter who won.

As if to underscore my point about faulty infrastructure, I abruptly lost my Internet connection at about 8:40 p.m. and couldn’t reconnect until right as I wrote this sentence at 11:38 p.m. I’m sure many friends and followers were grateful for this, but it sucked not to be able to express myself at a time when I had a lot to say.

• In any case, the Ravens won, which was the outcome I hoped for to the degree that I cared. Let’s dispense with the Bill O’Reilly logic right now — rooting for the Ravens is not the same thing as supporting murder. Ray Lewis hasn’t acted particularly innocent since having been cleared of any role in the deaths of two people during a fight with his entourage — but neither do I think the bloodthirsty court of public opinion trumps the court of law. The legal system works a lot like instant replay — both require proof beyond a reasonable doubt for guilt or for overturning a call, respectively. In the eyes of the law, Lewis has every right to pursue his profession, and he remains a fan favorite. I realize that’s a sticky issue with many, but the 49ers have Randy Moss, so maybe it’s best just to leave all that out of this.

• After the game, Drew Brees said, “The mindset for the 2013 season starts now, Who Dat Nation. We will make you proud.” Yeah!!