The pros and cons of packing

A lot of pro-gun people of late have shared stories of good guys with guns preventing armed madmen from engaging in murder sprees. They're also painting President Obama as a hypocrite because he has his own team of armed escorts.

Of course, virtually all of these stories involve intensely trained professionals — the man who stopped the San Antonio theater rampage was a police officer, and obviously the Secret Service is the epitome of expert security. Neither of these stories, and scarcely any others like them, serve as examples of Joe Q. NRA fulfilling his holy Second Amendment duties.

I ask everyone still high on the idea of armed citizens to consider who they'd rather have protecting the president — (remember, you like the president in this hypothetical, so think of George W. Bush or Reagan if Obama's not doing it for you) — the Secret Service, or concealed-carry civilian vigilantes?

Because there is a difference. Whether or not you'll admit it, you just noticed it. On some level, your brain decided the Secret Service was a better option because, hey, training. 

So maybe, just maybe, the distinction between pros and amateurs matters when talking about firearm defense in America. It's time for everyone to own up to that.

# Tea Party Comeback Movies

(To be released by 20th Century Fox News)

Facing the Science

Independence From Facts Day

Maximum Bachmann Turner Diaries Overdrive

Liar Learning

The Passion? Christ

Rat Racists

No Compromising Positions

Birth of an Abomination

Legends of the Paul

Terry Jones and the Kingdom of the Thick Skull

Gone With the Whine

War Trek

Not 2012

Friday After Next After Next After Next After Next, Probably Maybe?

Stand By Tea

Word Salad Days

Secondhand Lyin'

The Jeremiah Wright Stuff

Alex Jones and the Daft Crusade

Lynyrd Part 6

Dumbdefeated

Throw Granny Under the Bus

We'll Always Have Pauls

Rise of the Planet of Hate

2010: The Year We Made Up Context

Meant It Black

The Loonies

Terms of Endearment (Honestly, They Say It Among Themselves!)

Children of a Glenn Beck God

I'm Gunna Git You Subsidies

Bridges of Nowhere County

Wes Craven's Nugent Nightmare

War of the Poseurs

No Shades of Grey

Sad Sax

White Men Get Jumped

John Q (Gets Tazed For Demanding Free Health Care)

Anger Unchained

National Lampoon's Fiscal Cliff

Apocalypse? How?!!

Up In (Tobacco Lobby) Smoke

Chick-Fil-A Delphia

Personhood

Very Few Good Men

Guerrillas of the Euphemist

Being Wrong, Malcontent

Fiscal Cliffhanger

Illegal Alien: Resurrection

Birther Nation

The Remains of Your Pay

Debt Poets Society

I Know Who Shilled Me

The Best Little Kochhouse in Texas

Orly You

Ulp, Fiction

Birth of a Certificate

Forrest Trump

The Man Who Shot Liberty

Even Weirder Science

My Own Private Idaho (and South Carolina, and Texas, and ...)

What's Eating Gilbert Grape? It Better Not Be His Boyfriend

Life is Beautiful (Arm Everyone)

Underwaterworld

The Stupids 2

Debbie Drills in Dallas

This is 47%

Tremors (Because I Can't Afford Medication)

Brokeback Fountainhead

A Very Anti-Brady Sequel

Stop or My Mom Will Shoot Because That's the Point of America

The Nightmare Before the War on Christmas

Harold & Kumar Escape Guantanamo Bay Criticism

Boyz N the Hoods

Pretty Woman (Slut Had It Coming)

9 to 5 (But Paid Like 12 to 2)

O Brother, Cut Art Funding

Easy Chick-Fil A

Conspiracy Just A Theory

Weapons Aren't Lethal, People Are Lethal 4

Dumb Guns 2

Revisionist History of the World, Part I

Notting Hillbillies

Sweet Home Somalia

Favela Young

Live Free and Lie Hard

Jindal Fever

Saturday Night Filibuster

Jurassic Park (Goes Against the Bible)

The Last Temptation of Avarice

Final Think Tank Analysis

Julie and Julia (Both Make Less Than Frank)

Two hours of the Men in Black Neuralyzer set to 2008

Anything starring Victoria Jackson with soundtrack by Pat Boone

Weekend at Bernie Madoff's

FreedomWorking Girl

Citizens United 93 

9-9-9 1/2 Weeks

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington to Wreck It

Goldline Member

Cry Persecution

Signs of a Lesser God

The Island of Dr. Paul

Home On Your Own

Jowls: The Revenge

Real Golden Rule stuff here

I just read something so jaw-dropping that I had to share it. This person is not my Facebook friend; I found her post in a Christian group. You know, the religion that teaches not to judge, cast the first stone or treat others differently than you want to be treated:

There's a lot wrong here. Let's tear through the low-hanging fruit real fast:

• No one HAS to get married.

• One does not have to be atheist to support gay rights.

• Marriage is not simply about procreation.

• Plenty of heterosexual marriages are all about lust.

• The planet isn't exactly hurting from lack of humans.

• No one's telling gay people they can't have kids except the homophobes.

Now that I've got those out of the way, I want to focus on what to me is the most offensive aspect of this diatribe:

That, in order to fulfill God's wishes, gays have to live a lie.

It's one thing to insist that homosexuality is a choice or the result of abuse. That lends some logic to the idea of transformation — stupid, incorrect logic, but still something. This woman apparently accepts that sexual inclination is natural, but thinks that gays should suck it up and submit to an unnatural way of life. You know, for the children.

One of the worst things about any religion is the way it attempts to subvert nature. And for what? To please those who lie awake at night worrying who others love? I'm sure this woman would happily change her entire life if someone else disapproved, because that's what godly people do, right? What a crock of arrogant crockery.

Like I often say, the people who claim to speak for God are usually the farthest away from God.

And don't invite me over for dinner

Somebody said something on the Internet, and it went something like this:

If you had a sewage backup in your home, and the waste rushed to the ceiling, would you vote to raise the ceiling? Or would you rather pipe the shit out?

CLEVER.

First off, if sewage can back up so badly in your house that it even comes close to reaching the ceiling, then you should strongly consider living in someplace with a government. Clearly, the do-it-yourself drainage ethos isn't working in Rand Land.

Second, taxes aren't liquid shit; they're more like rivers. Sure, you might find some turds here and there, and sometimes you have to divert or dam them, but mostly they allow life to happen. And you'd miss them tremendously if they just evaporated one day.

So much of the anti-tax zealotry in this country really does assume that taxes are sewage — as in, they serve no vital purpose and we should just wash them away. No wonder it's so hard to have an adult conversation about taxes.

To that I say, caca.

Something that I like

It's fun to watch people in their element.

I first realized this my first semester in college. I was taking an introductory geology class, the kind liberal arts majors take because they have to. It was an auditorium full of at-best mildly interested students — the kind who, today, have to be monitored constantly for Facebook usage during class. Compounding the apathy was the fact that it was a 2 p.m. class on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, which is the time everyone's ready to split for the nearest bar or bedroom. 

But one day after class dismissed, I walked by the front desk and witnessed something remarkable. That day, the professor had largely been going through the motions. But a student walked up to him and asked him a specific question about the lesson. Immediately, the professor lit up and spoke effortlessly on the topic. The student listened raptly, and a couple of other students joined in. 

I didn't really hear what they were talking about, but the way the professor engaged was riveting. He was known for being particularly enthusiastic about his field, and it showed in the doldrums of that afternoon. I thought that I would love to be like that in some respect. 

It was then that I realized the difference between a day job and a calling. A day job can be rewarding and enjoyable, but you need those things in your life that excite you outside of it. I love finding out that someone has a cool hobby on the side. I like seeing big movie stars do low-budget and/or intellectual films. I knew a sports writer who was also an underground rapper and a copy editor who played reggae music. People who thrive at incredible things for little more than love of the craft. People who keep you guessing. 

That's how I try to live my life. You should too. What do you do?

Extreme cliff couponing

So the social networks were abuzz this morning over the so-called fiscal cliff* deal — the most common refrain being, "OH NO! SOCIAL SECURITY JUST WENT UP FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS! THANKS, OBAMA!"

Well, I was ready to be as bummed out as anyone over that. I've long supported extending the income level for Social Security withholding, but apparently the agreed-upon increase is on the middle class.

But then I read the Associated Press article and figured it out.

WASHINGTON (AP) — While the tax package that Congress passed New Year's Day will protect 99 percent of Americans from an income tax increase, most of them will still end up paying more federal taxes in 2013. That's because the legislation did nothing to prevent a temporary reduction in the Social Security payroll tax from expiring. In 2012, that 2-percentage-point cut in the payroll tax was worth about $1,000 to a worker making $50,000 a year.

In other words, a short-term political move that was always kind of a bad idea has expired. And because taxes have reverted to their previous, system-sustaining levels, it's tantamount to an increase.

I'm all in favor of restructuring payroll taxes, which hurt the poor and middle class far worse than the rich. But this is not an increase so much as a correction following a period of artificially low Social Security withholdings.

Tax cuts are political maneuvers. In recent years especially, they've been thrown about with more regard to grabbing votes than how they affect the national revenue stream. So it's all too easy to enact a ridiculous cut that lasts a few years, and then call it an increase when it inevitably expires. People then think, "The fiends added to my tax bill!" It's like saying a loaf of bread costs more because your coupon expired. No it hasn't — the regular price tag didn't rise. You were lucky to have the coupon, but gimmicks can't last forever.

It could have been worse. The deal saved the Bush-era income tax cuts for everyone making $400,000 or less. Losing that would have amounted to much higher bills for many more people.

The deal is not likely to make anyone joyously happy. Taxes are so highly politicized now that we can barely have an adult conversation about them. Which is why all anyone seems to see from this deal is OMG SOCIAL SECURITY HIKE!!! Chill out. Do some reading.

(* - I say "so-called fiscal cliff" because just like the debate over the debt ceiling and partial-birth abortion before it, fiscal cliff mania is largely a political fabrication.)

My resolutions for 2013

Happy New Year.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve written resolutions for 2013. I had a few hundred words typed out here prior to New Year’s Eve and I just deleted all of it. That draft was preceded by a much angrier draft I wrote while in a gloomy mood the other day. Neither one, I felt, really reflected what I wanted to say on record. This might not either, but I’m going with it because, eventually, you have to get it done.

And that’s been the common thread in every draft of my resolutions I’ve written for this new year — getting it done. This past year, as this blog will attest, was bizarre. It started off fiscally strong but personally miserable, and ended fiscally dire and a more tolerable strain of miserable. For all of its highs — and there were many — 2012 dug me into a personal and professional hole. So the theme in 2013 is to dig out of that hole. It might require drastic action, but I’m ready for it.

1) Make a change. My current situation is unsustainable and I’ve never been more ready to take on a new opportunity. Even if I have to move far away to do it. It worked the first time I did it; moving back, not so much. I’m never happier than when I’m independent, working in my field of expertise and making a difference. Sometimes that makes for very difficult choices, but anything worthwhile is like that. If I can do it here, I will. But I’m open to new possibilities.

2) Live my ideals again. In Missouri, I carved out a decently principled life. Money went farther, I recycled, ate healthier, went to the YMCA and rode lots of bike trails. I had a more diverse array of friends, the roads weren’t uniformly bumpy and the state actually sent me my income tax refund. I’m not saying it was perfect (especially as far as partying and culture were concerned), but I miss so many of the little things that made my life feel like mine. And I realized that I don’t have to be the freak. I hope to find someplace where I fit in better, or at least where my lack of interest in killing animals, binge drinking or tea-partying doesn’t immediately exclude me from half of all activities.

3) Shed excess weight. Not literally, because I’m not exactly hefty (though more toning is definitely in the cards), but metaphorically. It’s amazing how much useless excess you encounter every day; for me it’s unwanted mailing lists, a glut of phone numbers I’ll never need again, documents ripe for shredding, memory-hogging computer files, space-hogging physical files, old possessions I don’t need, etc. It’s long past time to pare it all down. What I’ve done to this end so far has proven to be therapeutic.

4) Be more assertive in attaining what I desire. I’ve often held back on being aggressive, lest I come off as a pushy, Type-A jerk. Sometimes that’s led people to see me as the exact opposite, a total pushover. Neither extreme is true, and I’m determined to find a better middle ground.

5) Continue to be more positive and grateful. Negativity is a bitch, and made me its bitch for a long time. I’ve made it a point in the past few years to be less like my more negative influences and adopt a happier outlook on life. It’s tough, but it’s helped tremendously. At worst, I better sense when I’m dragging down everyone around me. And that’s helped me reduce the frequency of that happening. Besides, it feels much better not to have an emotional mess to clean up later.

6) But not to a delusional degree. I have a hard-and-fast personal rule that all happiness must be based in reality. If I’m happy, it’s because I have a reason to be that way — not because I’ve resigned to mediocrity, plied myself with medication or surrendered to Jesus. If I’m not happy, I strive to find a reason to be happy. A real reason. I could have settled a million times, but I didn’t. Maybe that’s why I’m hardly ever satisfied, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

7) Be grateful about the resolutions I don’t have to make. I’m healthy. I’m on good terms with my entire family and most of my friends, even the ones with whom I’ve had friction on the past. My credit’s in good shape. I’ve never been in trouble with the law. I am, as always, completely clean and sober. I’ve been remarkably consistent in writing and creating. My current bumps in the road are relatively minor in the scales of life and the world. By and large, I don’t have it bad.

8) Finally finish the Best of 2004 and 2005 for this blog. They've both been almost finished for years. I need to clear that out of the brain cache. It's the least I can do.

Here’s to 2013! The best year ever? It can be.